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lilgirll
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Name: Catherine
Interests: metaphors / not living in reality/ hands - especially cellists / ballads / paht bing soo / moments of breathlessness.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
7/30/2003
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| moving because times are a changin'
and for lighter fare http://wingedki.blogspot.com
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| I was walking from the library tonight, when I saw stars. Like in the sky. constellations. I think it was the first time I've seen them since I've been in New York. Or at least I don't think there was any other time, which would make this very anticlimatic... But anyway, I just kept staring upwards, walking towards Orion. It was like magic, until I walked into the street and was almost run over by a taxi. But I took it as a good omen, and for the rest of the night, I've felt like someone's holding me. Blessed.
So, new year has passed and it's already February. Mid-February. Some things have changed: I cook now, I run regularly (attempt to) and go to class (mostly always), my drinking tolerance challenges that of a toddler, and heath ledger is gone. Some things haven't: I have yet to learn powerpoint / excel, I'm still always late to class, I can't play guitar, etc etc.
Maybe it's just a failure of my brain capacity, but I can't imagine my life after May. It's basically a huge blank - nothingness. And while it seems kind of exciting, like a "page to be written on", mostly it just seems like a black hole of "what could be" that's swallowing everything in possibility.
My hair.. on a 3 am high of sugar and boredom, Janet cut my bangs. I'm still unsure, at best (worst?) I look like the scary chain girl from Kill Bill or emily strange, at worst (best?) I look like a mushroom with a bowl cut or a young fob.
I ended up not taking the lsats after surviving a winter break of studying and the nightmares of living alone in our apartment. Toward the end I felt like the crazy Rochester's wife in Jane Eyre, stuck upstairs, too scared to check out downstairs - what if someone had snuck in while I was out and was waiting downstairs to skin me, or what if someone was living downstairs, was that breathing? were the pipes moving?.. what if what if, it was enough to wander around with a knife and torch the place.
Anyway, the lsat- what I thought would be a test that I would befriend and then conquer in a sweet respectable way, like gentlemen please. Instead turned out to be a stubborn wrestling thing that refused friendship. It all came down to a moment two weeks before the test, when going to Bobst would just mean passing out on a desk for a few hours. I tried switching venues, cafes, starbucks, and finally the graduate business building, only to pass out in the chairs shaped like hands. (Not being poetic, the chairs are shaped like palms, it's intriguing).
I guess it's called burning out. I was told that I should consider the lsat a marathon, and be like the Kenyan runners who train by running barefoot on gravel... and the "last mile is the fastest!" I understood the moral and nodded after hearing it, but then went to pass out. Lsat we shall meet again, and next time I will not be as kind.
I'm taking way too many credits this semester, while all the better planners of college careers are part-time. And although my classes are pretty well spaced out and I live about 5 minutes of speedwalking away, I'm still late to the majority of them. In science fiction, the professor asked us to discuss the benefits / implications of teleporting. "then I would never be late to class" I said when it was my turn, "ha ha?" And he stared at me blankly with a slight look of pity, and I felt more of a misfit than ever, a status only emphasized by my later suggestion of Jumper as a movie to watch. (Jamie Bell, Hayden Christenson, what's not to like?) His slight look of pity turned to one of disgust. We read a lot of bad fiction in that class - or in my opinion it is very ridiculous. But I feel happy knowing that I'm surrounded by people who know much more details of lord of the rings than I ever could.
Anyway this blessed-feeling... I want it to stay, not wear off. I read almost all the tributes to Heath Ledger, at least the non-trash ones, and there was a line in an nymag article about his life / last days, "The only thing for sure is he was doing it alone."
May that not be true for you. Here's to seeing Orion and being held.
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| Sitting at Bobst, right now I am defined by sparknotes and stacks of books. I'm trying not to feel completely overwhelmed and wondering why I'm majoring in something I'm not good at ... and wondering why I am still wondering about this senior year. It's too late to walk back now without seeing potential killers behind every building corner, and with my coat I have no peripheral vision so yes... it's just this Bobst desk and me. and the remainders of the best sandwich I've ever had (It was really amazing - it was
from space market and called the "law sandwich" - superstitious so I
forced myself to get it, and it was amazing. Good signs, a complete
omen, a good law school essay maybe why law school, well there was this sandwich...)
November left... it's already mid-December. And the only realization I've had has come from revisiting korean dramas. I realized that maybe they're not the most realistic things, and maybe I can admit, maybe almost impossible. clapclap profound. It makes me sad to say, especially because it's an ideal I've held in my head since adolescence - but yes. I've finally recognized that whoever writes these things, I don't know who they are and what world they're living in but honestly. rawr. Coffee prince shop or something was what destroyed my fantasy.
The story is cute, in a strange way. The girl looks like a boy, passes herself off as a boy, real boy falls in love with her/him, and wonders if he may be gay, struggles with this and then finally decides it doesn't matter he loves him / her, he'll give up everything. And then when he finds out that she's a she - he's upset. And I readily accepted all of that story, somehow. But it was in the final episodes listening to the dialogue that I just couldn't listen anymore. It's not a spoiler either, because this is true for every drama that if the characters don't die, they have to be separated for 2 - 3 years. (casually represented with a caption of "X years later", and the character hops on screen with a shorter haircut, or darker clothes or glasses). Anyway, I listened to these characters who've just realized their love, appropriate genders, and then talk about being separated for a few years. As though postcards would do anything. postcards! I know it's just a drama, and maybe I'm just jaded, who says love can't be held together by postcards, but I don't know, I felt like someone just threw stones at my hope balloon, or had told me the real ending of cinderella was the shoe fitting the stepsister who cut off her toes..
I hope I don't fail my exam. I can feel the knowledge pouring out of me already.
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| It seems like there are very few things that I can be proud of lately. Priorities, where are they. Contentment - something I wouldn't have been happy with before, I seek it. And the rare feeling of comfort comes from reading Keats' Odes. Dangerously close steps to self-involved masturbatory emo-ness. no noo not that. (masturbatory can even be said with a straight face, i guess my classes are getting to me. Still trying to erase the image of my grandfatherly professor miming the "gentle exploration of a woman's country." thinking: hrm country? "count-ry, get it?" he said. oh.)
Anyway my world has become very insular, the people I spend time with, fewer
and fewer. When I do walk around campus (haha this is rare because it's cold or I'm speed shuttle moving because I'm late) and I happen to
walk by someone I know, there's a moment of shock like,
oh right I'm not existing alone.
And it comes down to the realization that the most affirming moment in my recent life has been killing a centipede a few days ago. With my newly received stack of lsat study books. I don't think I've killed a bug since ... elementary school. (The fly that had been in our apartment ended up staying for 3 weeks. We named it Herbert. I would wake up and it would be resting on my bedcovers. I'm serious. That was when we finally opened a window and escorted Herbert out.)
Anyway, if there needs proof that maybe a guy is useful to have around is three girls screaming in terror as we ran after and away from a 3 inch bug across our apartment. After about 10 minutes of paralyzed "ahhhh, kill it! you kill it! no you kill it! ahh it's coming near me", and a few steps from just moving out of our apartment all together, and inspiring debate about who was the most masculine "have balls! Who has balls", (yay me) - I said a prayer of forgiveness and with the slam of several pounds of study questions later, ~~___________. Amen.
It's still on our wall, kind of ... the impact was great. And I have yet to touch my books.
Yes this is when I realized that maybe I am lacking in things accomplished. Here's to life affirming things and being happy =] holiday season.
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| I just realized that today is the first day of November, isn't that scary how things like that happen? Time really just keeps passing. I've always wondered if it's just because humans keep imposing calendars and days, like who says that time is really metronomic, maybe time pauses and slows down at will, maybe it wants to move in eighth notes or have a rest / repeat once in awhile. Like today's not actually Nov 1, 2007, but really in "real time" it's April sometime in 1998. Then I would be in 7th grade, taking horse back riding lessons, and I would have Leo diCaprio posters in my room, hrm.
I love autumn in the city... although it basically means that I go into hibernation. I end up sleeping... a lot. People will leave the apartment - I'm still sleeping, and come back after doing their busy day to day whatevers, and I will still be sleeping. It's a little embarrassing, because I used to be able get away with doing that, but it's kind of hard now when your bed is in the living room.
In class, I end up in that strange dream state, where I hear everything, but have no awareness at all. I'm always paranoid that I'm actually talking in my sleep or that people can hear my head falling back and forth. Coffee doesn't really do anything for me, except make me fidget, so I do what I've always done. Stab my hand with an asian mechanical pencil. It has to be asian, because those mechanical pencils have the sharpest points ever. I don't need to carry a knife or mace, I have my weapons already. Thugs beware... I just need a minute to unzip my mashimaro pencil case.
For the first time in a while, I watched Heroes again, but I wasn't
able to finish watching last week's episode... the scene where HRG is
torturing his mentor by taking away his memories. That truly disturbed
me. And I couldn't watch, I felt like sobbing. *pats self haha. first it was toe snipping.. now memory taking, can't handle it.
I'm trying to be a better planner... just in life. Life's paths or whatever. I'm still looking for the perfect planner date book.. I've been all over K-town / chinatown, it's really frustrating. I haven't really applied to any jobs, and the one interview I went to was sort of a semi-disaster. I didn't know I was supposed to wear a jacket / blazer thing, and I couldn't find my work bag, so I had my tote bag, and black nail polish on because I'd forgotten to take it off... and in general, having pulled an all-nighter, I looked beaten up. Pretty flinch-worthy. Which the interviewer did, when she saw me.
And I kept saying the stupidest things. Like those little asides that are supposed to reside in your head, but instead, for me, the lack of sleep made me say out loud. As she described the intricacies of her job, I commented (in my head = outloud) Oh really? Interesting... I wouldn't have thought being a ** had that many components. Interesting. hrm.
And where do I see myself in five years?
Well... in five years blahblahblah law school blahblahblah. and then as I realize I should probably include the present company in my five years actually of course I mean, I can see myself being with ** in five years. I mean. Why not. Yeah. Why not. Why not indeed.
Anyway, here's to waking up. finding paths. good things. And really Autumn is so beautiful - all the seasons in one, makes you recognize God, or the greater power in your life. Manages to be about parting and loss, change, and is still so hopeful, like a promise - the way of reminiscing about the future and the past, like layered time. | | |
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